A Modest Proposal for the Eradication of Corona
By Anil Pathak
#Irony #Satire
Don’t listen to them. They are trying to mislead you. Lockdown is the one and only remedy in the war against corona. While it takes only 4 weeks to eradicate corona from a specified location with lockdown, it will take a large number of days — sometimes as many as 28 — without a lockdown!
There is, however, one important condition- The lockdown must be named as “Unlock”. If we call a ‘lockdown’ with its own real name, Coronavirus will come to know about our strategy and it will refuse to disappear.
It has also been discovered that blind beliefs and herd mentality are extremely useful tools to develop immunity against corona. If you question anything and everything, you will not develop herd immunity and will put yourself and others in grave danger. Do not question. Just obey. Herd mentality is the necessary and sufficient condition for herd immunity. Hence, follow your leader!
Stay home, keep washing your hands, and have drinks of warm water. We will take good care of you once we get some free time. We are currently busy managing our personal finances, enhancement of our family power portfolio, and nurturing our electoral relationships.
Remember- Corona kills. So keep your mouth shut — and put a mask on it, even if there is no other human in sight.
Most important, get yourself tested for corona. Treatment drastically differs if you are tested positive. If you are tested positive you need to follow social distancing, drink warm water, and wear mask. On the other hand, if you are tested negative, you need to wear mask, drink warm water and follow social distancing. See the difference? You don’t?
Anyway, we believe in win-win. Whether you test positive or negative, we win!
This will end one day- when your tolerance ends. Until then, just enjoy the debates on YouTube about naturopathy and Ayurveda. If it gets too dull, why don’t you occupy a tiny window on somebody’s Zoom session? — this little window is what we call your ‘personal space’.
I think you will agree with me that this is a small price to pay for the eventual reward. Your name is going to be written down in history as the most obedient and subservient herd in the history of humanity — sounds exciting, doesn’t it?
Now, to ease your. Mind, let me tell you what Our Great Nation (OGN, for short) is doing to check the spread of this deadly virus. In line with our great tradition we learn to live with our enemies. We become friends with them. Our great leaders took this virus into confidence. They told him — look Mr Corona, you wish to stay here and infect our people and kill some of them, be our guest! However, you need to that in moderation. This is not Italy or China. This is the land of Buddha and Gandhi. Let us sign an accord of peace and then you can do whatever you wish to.”
“But you are trying to arrest my growth. You are tryin to flatten the curve.”
“Who said we wanted to arrest your growth? We will flatten the curve using some nice software such as Excel or Quicken. They produce really nice graphs. Let us sign this accord and then everything will be fine.”
According to the signed accord between Mr Corona Virus and Our Great Leader, Corona agreed with the following terms and conditions.
- Corona will normally not infect politicians and leaders. If it does, the infections will be generally mild.
- No infections allowed after 7 p.m.
- No infections allowed
- Our Great Nation will never invent any vaccine against Corona. Even if we ever invent a vaccine, we will make sure that it does not work.
- We will never produce any medicine against Corona. Even if we do, we will promptly export them to other nations.
(Cross-Reference : A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift for an excellent example of irony and satire.
https://www.gutenberg.org/files/1080/1080-h/1080-h.htm)
Disclaimer: The writer believes that Corona is a real virus and can cause serious health complications. Governments are doing whatever they can to win this war against the deadly virus. Public participation is necessary in government campaigns.
